By Kevlin Henney
|A winning submission to the OT99 competition: a slightly gratuitous exercise in pattern- and OO-related puns in the style of The Diary of Bridget Jones (with apologies).|
Alcohol: too much, too mixed wine and spirits (lots), will I ever
learn? Obviously not. Such a FLYWEIGHT when it comes
to mixing drinks.
Cigarettes: hmm, too many. If can't give up, perhaps should switch what smoking. Is a pipe less ladylike than a cigarette? Or should go for more Greta Garbo look? When comes down to it, PIPES AND FILTERS not particularly ladylike for modern woman.
Calories: again, too many. Don't seem to be in COMMAND of eating habits when drink too much.
Last night went to friend's dinner party. Mostly smug marrieds, plus a couple of SINGLETONs. Seemed to spend whole of evening talking to a BROKER. Nice enough, but a bit of a POSA: I could see him admiring his REFLECTION in hall mirror opposite. Anyway, must remember: STRATEGY of drinking to keep smiling and looking interested doesn't work. Thought "OO, have drunk far too much" after noticed speech slurring. Made some PROXY excuse and left.
This morning found leak in roof (actually, found puddle on kitchen floor, will leave someone else to find leak itself). Must call BUILDER. Meanwhile have to make do with LEAKY BUCKET. Fuse in ADAPTER in kitchen blew before had made life-giving first cup of coffee of the day. After hangover/leak/kitchen trauma, was only one thing for it: go shopping.
Found amazing outfit. Had WHOLE-PART debate with self: buy all of outfit now, or jacket now and rest later? No time like present, so convinced self that it was EXCEPTIONAL VALUE. Had to write out two CHECKS for WHOLE VALUE after card refused: v embarrassing, especially as eventually seemed to involve all staff at shop, escalating up CHAIN OF RESPONSIBILITY to shop manager.
Going to another party tonight. Slightly nervous: old school friend who now moves in international circles. Need to impress: will wear new outfit; must remember not to drink or smoke too much.
Alcohol: too much (again). Road to Hell clearly paved with good intentions.
Cigarettes: 5 (Yes! See, plus plus brownie points can do it! Do have self control!).
Calories: too many (spoke too soon).
Last night looked less than glamorous when got to front door: wearing many LAYERS as was cold, but sweating in most unattractive way after walking up the Hillside to get to her house. However, remembered why I liked her when she opened door and shrieked: "BRIDGE, it's so good to see you. You look fabulous!" blind to my less than fabulous STATE.
Met a UN OBSERVER: boring person for such interesting job. Managed to get him making Smalltalk to an EU INTERPRETER boring person, boring job as went in search of a more interesting VISITOR had just spotted on other side of room. Seemed witty, charming, smile like a CHESHIRE CAT and importantly unmarried. However, hopes turned to disappointment, as realised this was all a FACADE and he was just like the rest: a MEDIATOR and v b like the others. Turns out only normal person there was DECORATOR (well, preferred to call himself "interior designer" same thing): v attractive, v interesting, but v married.
Evening went down hill after that, as ended up pouring COMPOSITE of drinks down throat in typically thirty-something-and-single-at-a-party fashion. Seem to remember spending end of evening talking to a Gang of Four old school friends in corner bitching about party hostess, who seemed to have perfect PROTOTYPE husband.
Woke up late this morning with hangover as MEMENTO of last night. Remembered that expected in Oxford this afternoon for conference. Grabbed all vital components for few days away before rushing out the door. Got most of way there when realised that had left ENVELOPELETTER with directions back at home. At least, as is serious conference, probably won't drink too much this week....